Meeting someone new, falling in love is an exhilirating experience. You can see so many things, know so many things and not others, be completely blindsided and blown away by them.

I’ve spent the weekend with E, in fact I’ve spent the last 6 days with her. We’ve lain side by side, walked through the forest, watched tv, movies, played cut the rope and we’ve talked. Non stop, all night, all day. The details of our lives, how we feel and why. The past, the present. The things that hurt and the things that made our hearts soar. We’ve moved onto our mistakes, difficult conversations. How we really feel and why, what stops us trusting someone, what makes us love someone. And it all seperates my friends and companions into two.

The people who celebrate along with me, and the people who query and look for fault. The people who cheer along with me, tell me they are as happy and excited as I am are my friends. Respect and love for both me and E. Asking things, looking for the reasons I am where I am.

And others who look for fault, throw around arbitrary definitions of speed. Things are moving fast. I know this. So does she.

But when things work ,after all, who’s approaching a relationship hedging their bets on it not? When things work out, the end result is the same. If we’re together we’re together.  How quickly we do it has no impact on how together we are. Sure if it’s not going to work, if it needs maintenance, if it needs a lot of effort to click then we won’t work.  But if it works, if we fit. If we are perfectly right for each other then it won’t matter when we cross a boundary.

We met online and started chatting. Emails flew and we traded them all night, all day. And again all night. We moved to chat, real time. Seeing each other respond, strings of questions and answers became a conversation. A live stream as we exposed who we were and what we wanted to know. Sparks flew everytime, we agreed, were shocked. Picked the same answers. So we spoke, a quick chat on the phone and hung up 5 hours later. We were hooked.

By the time we saw each other face to face our hearts were racing. We stood half a room apart and had a slow conversation until I took a deep breath and said hi properly. Leaned in from too far away and kissed her on the cheek. My arm across her body as she stepped forward to place her arms around me. And we fit, we relaxed and held each other. That first moment, her heart beating against mine felt right. It felt like there was something there.

And a few days later she told me the same thing, unprompted, and not knowing I had already thought it. We’ve been inseparable, both when together and when apart. We’ve sat and played together, we’ve cooked and moved furniture. Been rained on and buried our feet in the grass. Reached for the same thing and kissed in the moonlight.

Life is full of mediocre things, love shouldn’t be one of them.

There is no magical force driving the universe to a pre determined goal. In order to settle down and share my life with someone, I need to meet someone. As I will not settle down with the first person I meet, I am required to meet multiple people. And as I spend my life performing specific events and few of those involve meeting new people I reach an impasse. I have room in my heart and my life for someone, I don’t have room to go and find someone.

I have a date this weekend, and as nice as she seems. She has children. I’ve gone down the path before and if it doesnt work out that’s a big loss, it’s a tough situation to be in. And of course a relationship isn’t based on considering what happens if it doesn’t work. But without self destructive actions, there’s no actual difference between weighing up the consequences of failure and ignoring it. I’m not more likely to be compatible with someone if I pretend it will all be ok. It’s simply weighing one fact amongst many.

And children is something I need to seriously consider. I have Liv, I talk to her most days, I look at her photos all day, all the time. And apart from the “what if” it doesnt work. What if it does? I am not living here forever, I will return to Liv. 6 months, a year, 18 months. I will go back. How soon do I need to disclose that? It’s not a first date conversation, I can’t hold it in reserve for 3 months. Oh things are going great between us, just FYI I’m probably leaving sometime this year, cool?

A date doesn’t mean a relationship, and it doesn’t mean anything will come of it. But it’s stupid to not consider it. I’m not going on a first date with someone who doesnt have and want kids. I have a daughter, I want to have more kids. Anything else is doomed for failure. So there is a lot I need to consider.

And the moving on, moving past. I don’t know how things work for everyone else. I’ve never quite looked at the world the same way, but I can’t as it’s not the same world. I don’t forget my books, I rewatch movies and notice more things instead of forgetting the ending. I know where all of my stuff is. I know where my photos were taken and what was happening outside the cameras view. And I dont forget relationships, people. I see them all, I see those moments, the good, the bad. My life, my past, most of the 32 years of it is visible. Love and relationships first and foremost. I’ve always been a romantic, always loved spoiling someone. Always tried to show it in large and exciting ways, and now I look back and I’m tired of seeing it. I’m tired of dealing with it over and over again, seeing the mistakes, knowing the things I shouldnt have done, knowing the times I’ve been hurt. The beautiful memories.
I can close my eyes and see things. Tammy’s white dress in the sunlight, Mcbeal in the moonlight on the beach, Gem by the fire, all of these moments just sitting there with me. Dancing with Sarah, I just want to be rid of them.

People move on, they forget, they don’t think about the past anymore. What am I meant to do, what’s my benchmark to know what Is right and what isn’t in here. I hear a song we listened to, the movie we saw together, a book she bought me, a place we went, a photograph, friends we saw together. I can never be rid of the things that bring up my past, and I have no one to discuss it with, no one to compare things with.

Knowing these feelings, this intangible indescribable hurt at being alone, sometimes I’d give anything to go back. To take how I feel in the dark at night and show that to myself. Take me in the past and show me how I will feel and stay in one of my past relationships. The things I miss, the things I seek, that someone to talk and share with, I’ve always had that. Katie, Jacqui, Ally, Gem, Wendy we all shared these things. We spoke, we shared hobbies, we cuddled in the dark, we laughed, we sang, we cooked, took photos, just touched each other in the dark. The things I want have always been there, and so many more wonderful things. But there have been things I didnt want. In some cases things they didnt want, or things they did that werent there.

Alone in the dark, sometimes I think I’ve made terrible mistakes. Sometimes I haven’t, but there’s a chance that something Ive lost is the something I’m still looking for now.

Why do so many people search for me? Consistently for the last 2 years, the number one search to bring people here is people searching for my blog by name and the blog title… Do I have a computer illiterate fan who uses a google search to find me all the time? It’s fascinating.

I’ve been tired lately. And sad.
I know I’m lonely, I have friends I talk to, but not as much as I would like, and since moving out of AC’s place I’m alone most nights. Which I don’t like.

I’ve looked to meet new people, but it’s not something I have a lot of time for. At work I have no chance, I’m busy all day, most days I work after I get home as well. And I can’t befriend any of the people I work with more than I have. I’m surrounded by people who I need to judge and watch. So that makes a friendship difficult, I already dated one of them (before I got the job), so I don’t need that kind of issue coming up again.

Outside of work, I met a friend of a friend online, we chatted and had a good time. She came around to watch a movie and have dinner, that was fun too, and then the next day someone at work tells me I seriously need to ask her on another date. That was about the time I realised there had been a first date. So that one’s dashed. I don’t want to date a friend of a friend, and I’m personally not interested in pursuing her. We got along fine, but there are too many things that I don’t want in a partner.

Ahh, the things I don’t want. This is where I am right now. All evidence throughout my life suggests I am not particularly good at picking who I do want. The lady in red? The Blogger? The imaginary woman?
They were all extraordinarily poor choices. But women I fell for, for…well I thought different reasons. But there seem to be common traits.
Hair is out. I used to only date women with longer hair, it is very feminine. But I’ve pursued and dated some with much shorter hair, so I I think that was an artificial choice on my part. Thinking I desired something I didn’t really care about. And those 3 were all different in regards to hair. They were all…….. a little more busty than average though. But that hasn’t been a consistent trait either. Granted there have been a lot more busty women than not, but it’s not a specific choice I made at any point. Mcbeal didnt fall into that category and she was incredibly attractive. She also had a remarkable amount of class, always well presented and stunning. The downside to that was the extreme amount of time needed to go out. I’m all for going out to dinner and a movie with a beautiful date. But sometimes I want to just drop what’s going on and go now.

So it leads me to, things I don’t want.

Complaining. Not little things, who cares. It’s constant complaining I cant stand. The inability to see the positive side. Focusing on negative things. It downs my Zen. I hate it. So many women I’ve been involved with did it, how did I miss this for so long with some of them. The Imaginary woman works not 15 feet from my desk and is miserable all day. Everything is a problem. Who wants to live like that? Not me!

Closedmindedness. That’s a hell of a word I can’t stand people who aren’t willing to discuss their point of view. I have opinions on a lot of things. I’m a thinking kind of guy, but I want to discuss them. With the exception of faith, I know why I have the opinions I do. I’m not sitting here waiting for you to tell me what to think, but I am willing to discuss, dispute, point out flaws in your reasoning and hear the flaws in mine. But You have to be willing to discuss it, and talk to people about their point of view. The lady in red wasn’t interested in anyone’s opinions, then again neither was the blogger. She was incredibly close minded. The imaginary women is on a completely different scale. We had a falling out because of an event that did not take place, and when clarifying that with the reasons it didnt happen. She responded with her original point.

No life. People without a life of their own. No career, no hobbies, no friends, no interests. It infuriates me. I have things I do. I have collectibles, I watch movies, I make things out of wood, I’m a photographer, I like to go for walks, I cook, I like to paint. I’ve dated people who had none. You don’t need all of them. If you’re looking after kids fulltime you don’t need a career (you have one). But JC had a million things she was interested in. Some of these women have had nothing.
Or worse (maybe worse?) interests they apparently cant explain or are unwilling to discuss. You want to travel overseas? Great tell me where, tell me why! I want to visit places too. You want to go overseas, but can’t say why, and can’t explain any interest in anywhere? Guess you’re just running away. Don’t come back.

No compliments. Tell me why you like me. Tell your friends you love them. Thank someone at a restaurant for a good meal. I want to hear nice things. I will tell you, why wouldnt you tell me? You can tell me I need a haircut or that Im looking a little soft on the edges, but not when I tone up some more or suit up? GTFO.

So I’ll see if I run into anyone who fits the bill. A long list of checkboxes, and if you cross one, it’s over from there. I’m too old to go through all of it again. I’m sick of heartbreak, I’m sick of giving myself to someone and it doesn’t work out. I’ve met some amazing people, I’ve had some amazing times. I’m just not sure how much the heartbreak is worth compared to them. Maybe I’m in the wrong place to consider it all right now, two bouts of heartbreak so far this year. Maybe that’s enough for awhile…

I’vebeen sick for weeks. Not hyperbole, literally weeks without real sleep, barely eating. I’ve spent a week on antibiotics now and can breathe again. Food still disagrees with me and everything aches. Little steps are the thing. Im better than I was, but I am definitely well overdue for a haircut. In 2 weeks I’ve gone from ‘probably should’ to  ‘oh god why havent you’. So with any luck this weekend I will take care of that and look like me again.

Recently I realised I was in love with an imaginary woman. I had my heart broken, and realised she wasn’t even real.

In the entire time we’d been together in anyway, I had filled in the blanks. I told myself and everyone around me the wonderful things I thought about her. How I felt, how she made me feel.

And as some people know, things went very very wrong. She accused me of doing something I hadn’t. Of not doing something I had. She thought she was a secret. She thought I kept her one.
I did not. I told my friends, my family, I shared, I told, I wrote.

I got sick of the game we were playing, I got sick of the circles and chasing and waiting. So I just told her how I felt. It was an email. I tried a letter but writing when emotional is hard. It’s tough. It’s tear stains on a difficult letter.

So it became digital. It was hard to do, hard to write, hard to say. But I did. And I showed a friend. This is what I am sending, She was sad. Hard to see me hurt. Obvious how much I cared. I bit the bullet and pressed send.

Sent the email on it’s way and waited. Sat and waited.  Checked my email and waited. Waited and waited. Waited for 4 days, had she seen it? Would she write back? Was this phone call her? Was this SMS? Was this new email notification?

Eventually it was. After of course she dissapeared off MSN. She was offline for days. Oh, no. She’s online on Skype and forgot she added me there. I guess she’s not really offline. So I signed in and out of Skype a few times. Made sure I was spotted and deleted.

And then an email. I saw it and my heart jumped. Could this really be it. What I’d been waiting for.

No. It wasn’t.

It was cold. It was empty and hurtful. It ignored what I had to say and made her own point. She replied to things I’d said the opposite of. She was cruel.

And it hurt. More than months of waiting. More than days of sititng on edge. This horrible dark, cold email maliciously spat out of nowhere.

And then I felt better. Then everything was ok. Why was everything ok? Because, I’d been in love with an imaginary woman. Because the woman I loved, because someone I would choose could never do this.

I’m softly spoken. I care about the people around me. I love to tell people I care about them. I love to make people smile. I strive to make people happy. I seek this in people.

This woman was none of these things. I didn’t know her. I knew things, but I didnt know the things I thought. It was the wrong woman.

And that was it. I archived the email with everything else and closed it. I have no interest in reading it again. Or seeing it again.

And I went downstairs and watched Two and a Half men.

I laughed like I havent in months. I giggled to myself, because everything had changed. I wasn’t lost and heartbroken, I wasn’t waiting for her anymore. I was just home alone watching TV.

Running into her at work isnt nice, we dont have anything in common. And she’s outright rude when spoken to. But she doesnt bother me. Im not sad, Im not lonely, I should have sent the email months ago. I’m living in a different world than the one I was a week ago. I should go back and tell me what to expect.
Everything’s going to be ok. Not eventually. Tomorrow.

It turned out to be 67 days from the last time we’d actually spoken at all. I didnt even get to make pancakes.

Listen to the sound of my voice
You can check it on out, it’s the weapon of choice yeah
Don’t be shocked by tone of my voice (aah…)
It’s the new weapon, the weapon of choice yeah

I’m almost packed.  All I have left to go is the computer and the contents of the desk. Boxes sitting here waiting to host those contents and I’m done. Liv currently in the shower, waiting for her pies to cook, and then we sit back, play a few games, and I’ll pack up the desk while she gets into bed. Then shower for me and we’re done. My life here closes, a finale.

But I’ve made a choice, I’m chasing my dream, I found the job I love, something I connect with better than anything I’ve done before, like I was built for it. It’s going to be amazing and I am going to shock and surprise everyone.

That includes the friends with faith in me, the people who expect me to do well will be just as shocked. That’s how much I’m doing. Life changes from here on, I spend a leisurely few days on the road, a half day and a night in head office meeting some faces there, and then it’s into it. Come Monday the 20th I spend a day settling in to my new desk home and then it’s all on. Organiser comes back out, business shirts get ironed and I start scheduling meetings.

I’m going to need to spend some of my own cash or enlist some work assistance, I need some things printed and laminated, I’ll need intrays and a whiteboard.

I’m up for it, I’m game, I’m engaged.

And people. Well people continue to surprise me. The people I want to be here the most, the people I seek out to back me up and help me out are silent, distant. One of my alleged closest friends spoke to me for 15 minutes en route to the movies and for 15 minutes after. It’s no commentary on the people I do have, it’s just hurtful, somewhere deep inside to think you’ve got someones support and during a conversation you realise they ask you about things that are months old. “Didnt you buy them just now?”, the things I’ve shared are gone.

But I’ve learnt and gained so much the last 6 months, had some amazing experiences with amazing people. Cam and I have caught up more than we did before, hell last year we shot a wedding together. I’ve had so much support and assistance here, not financial, just in being there. And Liv’s mum and husband have done so much to help me out. Even going as far as to hold onto a pile of Liv’s stuff I cant take with me so when I return she has it. It’s just been amazing.

I’ve got people who want to have drinks when I get to Hobart. I’ve got somewhere to stay when I land, as if AC hasn’t done enough for me. I’ve helped him I think, as he moves into his new position as a TL. The boss. I’ve shared what I know, offered support, critique, encouragement and an ear when needed. But still. A week off work, driving Brisbane to Hobart, and putting me up on arrival. Between AC, Cam, Dave and Tham, and JC and Bill, I know the most amazing people in the world and I’m making the most of it. I’m running off a cliff with my wings out. I’m not running because people are there to catch me.

I’m running because I’ve got people to push me.

I don’t even know where this song came from. It was in my playlist one day and I listened to it, got groovy and kept it from then on. Considering how small my music library is, you’d think I of all people would know where things came from. But it seems I didnt.

And this song was a real eye opener for Marty, I heard him listening to it and found out he was into R&B and rap. Really not what I was expecting, sure I’m old enough that I’ve been surprised enough and know expectations are easily subverted and people arent easily stereotyped, but I still got blindside by the whitest guy I know.

Lately I’ve been blindsided a few times, and most of them I really couldnt have seen coming. I met someone new, spoke to her, a lot. Not a lot and I mean a little. A lot as in we spoke on the phone from 8 til 2am. Night after night. Day after day, all the time, we were sharing, and often just talking, time stopped. The phone would ring and next thing I know its 2am, where did the night go? Where have I been? I would walk back into the house and my bare feet would be cold and numb, hours out in the cold felt like minutes, the sound of her voice moved from alien and unusual to warm and comforting. Something to look for, more than that.

To seek. That feeling of absence without it.

That special line between what you want and something that changes you. I want food everyday, I want to sing along to music. Some things transcend it, they become something else, the emotional form of a need. Like you need air and water, that indescribable feeling that this moment would be altered beyond comprehension with that person’s addition.  That feeling of “Untouched”.

Thats where I was. And it snuck up on me. And she was far away, as in Tasmania far away. And at this stage we lived apart, and knew we would stay that way.

Amd then I interviewed for the job, distant and far away. It felt weird, I’d helped someone else prep for their interview for the same job. Odd thing to do? He was my friend though, I want him to succeed too. And I gave a lot of answers the same way Id told him to do so, I had shared my secrets, it felt like the right thing to do. I’ve been called on it, one person accused me of giving bad advice, which hurt. I put all my effort into helping him answer things because I thought he would use the information and do well. In my heart I told him the answers I had because I am happy to see others succeed.

So I interviewed. And didnt talk to her. And I got offered the job and didnt tell her. I didnt think about it, in fact I made sure my weight list of pros and cons didnt have her on it. I wasnt moving for a romance that could fail, Im making a move for my career, my life. This is what I believe is the best thing for me and Liv, thats how I make decisions. And strong friendships are a bonus too. AC was on the list of bonuses for going. No girls though. That’s shady. Except Liv, big con there. Tough call to make.

So we’re talking, and suddenly Im going to be in Hobart. We’re going to be near each other, we can see each other, not just talk. Can we be friends? Should we be more than friends, how does this work when long distance friendship is going to be thrust face to face. Decisions fall upon you you werent expecting. Should we date? We should. We get along, we talk, we should run with it.

We spoke, we would, we should, we’d try. It couldnt hurt, it’s an aside for both our lives, and everyone likes to have someone to share life with. But we wouldnt tell everyone. It’s work, why would we tell the people we work with. Not yet, Im not even there yet, what if you change your mind? What if rumours start before I even get there. Nothing wrong with dating, but life isnt a billboard, secrets are ok.

Except they werent. She was hurt, I wouldnt tell people, I didnt care. I didnt consider her feelings.  I hadnt told my best friend, our mutual friends, my friends and housemates. Except I had. All of those people. I had no secret, except common sense, not telling work.

She asked someone about it, someone who knew. Someone who denied it. Someone who didnt want to be in rumours and games, said they knew nothing. And those are all the facts I have.

Somewhere after that, before that, around that she made a decision, a change.  It was all over. It was delivered in silence. Non response to normally rapidly answered sms. No phone call, no response to mine.

Days passed, time moved on. I was told vaguely she was hurt, needed some space, was busy, things to deal with. And it faded. slipped further away, the ache in my chest felt stronger. And then a blunt delivery. She just wanted space. Wanted space.

She said she didnt really know me, I was rushing into something she wasn’t ready for. Something she brought up first. Something she jumped and skipped and hollered about when we spoke. And now it was abstract and alien. I felt like life had suddenly changed writers, taken a new direction that didnt make sense. I was living in a sitcom, those hilarious comic moments you realise only exist because of a single blunder. Chandler chooses to hide behind the couch when someone comes home and we get 20 minutes of awkward innuendo. Sitcoms always pivot around that moment someone would never do, if they did just one thing differently there would be no comedy.

This was me. One thing different. If she’d spoken to me the moment I said I didnt want to tell some people, Id have reversed the whole thing, skipped that decision and run with it.

One moment, one decision to not speak to me, but to be hurt, to speak to someone else about it. To tell someone else of my folly and not me, thats hurtful. Thats more than Im accused of. It is without reason, without cause, it hurts and I cant fight back. Defenseless to the onslaught.

Maybe we dont know each other, maybe we’re not meant to share anything. Maybe there is another voice. A moment of consolation, pour out a story to a warm close ear, seeking advice. Im hurt, I trusted him, he hurt me. And an explanation arrives. Without knowledge, without a history, without tales of what we shared. Instead of this, a story is told of heartbreak. of the ache, the hurt, the misstep. And advice is given, why would he do this, he hurt you. You should just walk away now before its too late. Its possible, its plausible. Its unfair.

Its the blow, the weakness, my magical heel laid open to the world. Years of the right thing. Not in a stupid way, just trying to do the right thing, sometimes wrong, sometimes right, but always, always thinking of others. Watching their hearts, making sure not to tread on things. Taking the safe decisions. Not moving to Hobart. And I’ve been judged as if I did none of these things. The people we encounter cant see everything in here, cant see what we choose, only the final decision. A noble choice between two difficult positions is displayed as just a choice, and sometimes not even a choice. Just an action. Laid out for the world to judge you.

I view from here with the intention, the process, the difficult decision to weigh up, the choices I made to lead to the choice, and outside it’s just an action. Something I chose to do or not do.

I don’t know where I stand now, or rather I should know. I should think it’s over and not think about it, or her. But I can’t make the choice to. I cant stop the tightness in my chest when she comes up, I cant stop thinking about her when I see her photo in my timeline or scrolling through my phone, and I cant stop faces and voices in my dreams. I dont dream much, but when I do, its people. Nevr abstract or wild. No Alice in Wonderland, its always real people, real things. Even implausible ones. But reality.

I cant even recall them, I dont know what happens. I know I wake sometimes and look for her, wake in the middle of the night and try to tell her I had a nightmare she was a part of, and then wake up from waking up. There’s no one to tell. I’m alone in the corner of this room.

I have 5 full days left here, 5 days before I leave and move on. And Im then not alone. Im not in this corner. Im thousands of miles away from everything Ive ever known. Trying something new. Big steps.

X-Men: First Class: Seen it.
Snowcapped mountains waiting for me: Seen it.
Being the bad guy you cant talk to? Didn’t see it coming.

I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile
I spent my time just thinkin about you
And its almost driving me wild

Today was just, tense. Liv was here, which is always the start of things being great, I’m just not yet on my A game in juggling work with her here. I’m sure when I have my own place that will work, she can do things beside me while I’m working. Not in another room and I happen to be in the middle of something everytime she wanted to talk to me.

Which was an issue for me, not for her. I stopped things, spoke to, or went and saw. Backpack buddies playing dominoes, cards, Little Big Planet levels in progress. We even solved the chicken, fox and corn riddle together.

But it was some tension focusing on two things. And then the bs from work people. Drama over things instead of addressing them, drama over normal day to day functions. Drama over quietly pissed off people who can be snappy but not discuss things. And drama over once again realising I am homeless, in the corner of someones room.

And I think back to when I wasn’t. Think back to life before now, the things I did, the things I said, the things I shared. Things gone forever, things, unimportant, unlike people.

Also gone. Forever.

I’m big on memory lane. And with my memory there are a lot of lanes. A lot of places to go to. And I’m apparently sitting right in the middle of the statistics her. I have friends who reminisce and love to cherish the things they’ve done, after all I lived these things. I cared about and shared with these people, why should I pretend they didnt happen. Why would I move on with life and push them from my mind.

I’m not voting for sitting about pining. What’s done is done. I’m not voting for a recount or a second chance, or to dive headfirst into a crush of years gone by.

Im just remembering, stepping through, good times and sad.  So many highlights and heart shattering defeats. Bliss and effervescent joy and miserable sadness. And for a rare time, names, places, memories.

Dancing in the moonlight. I love it, it’s personal, emotional and it’s so romantic. Only a few times though, in fact only two people got the privilege. One a lot more often and Sarah one time. Was Sarah a mistake? Probably. We werent in love, I did care about her, and I wanted her to be happy. And she was ever so gorgeous, that was an amazing night though. So much organising, good work Jukes. But yeah, probably a mistake there, I was lonely, she was, and we filled the right thing we wanted. Someone. Our lives overlapped because she was my flatmates ex-wife.  He didn’t care if I dated her, he just said I wouldnt be happy if I did. Funny. But true.

Excitement at meeting DI, knowing I was going to. I dont even remember how we met per se. I know how we overlapped, who we had in common, I just dont know how it blossomed into us knowing each other. But we do, jesus, is this me. I recall almost every aspect of my life prior to being 23 or so, and the last few years I can’t piece a damn thing together. There are people I know and I have no idea how I met them. Obviously it’s only fine grained details missing here, but there are worse ones.

Carla, lives on the other side of the country. How the hell did we meet to talk. We used to talk by phone, she’s never been here and I’ve never been there. Some weird personal site? Who knows what crazy moment I joined one and completed the wrong state, or an american based one said Perth? Thats near Brisbane.

Beats me. I just know her, and she knows I love supes. Calls me Supes. Catches me off guard, but also makes it instantly clear whos speaking to me.

The blogger. Lord, what a tangled web of, well one sided shit and drama. I’m not convinced it was ever NOT one sided. Nor can I completely explain my side. I was obviously attracted to her, who wouldn’t be.  It’s not just a physical thing.

Wait, strike that. It wsn’t just a physical thing, lets be tense specific here. It was fun, I liked the honesty of her blog, the bluntness of she was. Too much bullshit, in fact. That’s one aspect of it.

Not an attraction to someone not interested (issues much there?). But I found her more attractive because I had to work for some things. The previous two relationships had started with women who had shitty partners prior and I was made out to be something I wasn’t. Held to a standard I couldnt keep, the saviour of someones life, perfect. Which I am not, a flawed human being like everyone else. And as things wore on, I couldnt maintain years of romantic gesture. I couldnt ignore everything that happened and diffuse every disagreement. And I fell.

I didnt get to see out the relationship as a man, I was treated like Id completely changed, when the reality was that Id just been me all along, perception is a pretty big piece of how people react to things. And somewhere on the tail end of it is where I met her. We spoke, we chatted, we shared our lives via our blogs and then we stopped speaking.

And then we started again, 18 months? 2 years? I have no idea, we started talking again later, and we spoke more, more honest a much more real and genuine relationship (not that kind of relationship). We spoke about things, went out and took photos, went to the movies to see Transformers I think. And then we stopped. She didnt like the fact that I was attracted to her. I think that was the biggest reason. And I was attracted, but I wasn’t doing anything about it, I knew she wasnt interested. But who knows, maybe I did absolutely nothing to hide it like I thought I was keeping it in and instead acted stupid. It’s entirely possible. I’m confident I’ve swung many times onto the wrong side of the “hopeless romantic / an idiot ” in my life. Its like wondering why people can never guess what you are thinking of in eye spy. Its hard to judge things accurately internally as to how they seem externally.

But soon after it didn’t matter anyway, she left. Properly left, moved to England. And I think we spoke once since then. Some blog comments that came from the UK, could have been anyone. I’ve worked under the assumption she forget me along with the address of her old unit by the time she boarded a plane.

**Shrug** I am comofrtably working under the assumption everyone else moves on with life as soon as something is passed. I like to look back, not to review, what was, was. I dont need to step through to work out where I went right or wrong, I just like it. I lived these things, why discard them after the first time.

The princess. We spoke through work, then met face to face and in the space of about 3 seconds I moved from “This girl annoys me so much” to, “Wow, holy god damn”. Shes gorgeous, stunningly so, and flirty. And, I don’t really know.

She’s just captivating, funny, shes a princess. She’s girly and feminine, and rough and plays pool and drinks and gives me shit for not taking a shot of tequila and stands ever so close when talking and seems to know everything about seduction. Ok, I can not explain this one.

I’ve never been one to simply go for someone I was physically attracted too, with nothing else there. And I don’t have nothing else going on with the princess. She just blindsided me and I couldnt explain it. Still cant. Luckily she lives some hundreds of km away, and while we work together remotely, we dont see one another, and Im not  into her, just occasionally caught off guard by something she says or. Maybe im just too single.

Sound wrong? Single for too long. Thats a part of it. Not in the “need a woman, giggity”. But in the.. Whats the right way?

How Imet your mother. Season 1 episode 5 or 6, Ted meets Robin. He tells her he loves her as soon as they meet. And he starts to explain it.
Im no good at being single, no good at this dating stuff. If someone could just put up with this, could get past these stupid mistakes and problems, I’d make a hell of a husband, partner, an amazing dad.

I’m a great dad, I love looking after someone, sharing things, romantic gestures. Im just terrible at leading up to it. Its like going out for dinner, Im ready to share dessert. And know a good joke, but I’m probably going to use the wrong fork in the entree.

Mia Rose missing you: Seen it.
Photos in the album: Seen it.
Me really opening some old feelings? Didnt see it coming.

A lot of hate for Nickelback. Or a lot of alleged hate. The number of people I’ve seen a song or two in their collection or seen them sing along to is amusing. It’s a subset of the haters gonna hate thing I think. I’m comfortable with my taste in music, it’s pretty liberating and simple to enjoy normal pop music. I don’t need to look far to fnd something I enjoy listening to. And besides that I’ve got enough that goes on inside my head without needing someone elses agenda, motives and emotions to be thrown in there and get me thinking about the plight of whatever else is going on in the world.

Which leads me to my hate. My seething, raging, oh my god hatred in the world.  Bullshit “this is enough” heart string pulling. It’s this shit friends throw on facebook, and twitter and emails and on the damn street about why I should devote my time and who I should care about right now.

It’s this constant being told to change my status or join this group, to support this cause, or that cause, or these sick people, or these uneducated.

You know what, fuck you. I believe in charity and caring. I support multiple charities and choose my causes and the things I will support carefully. I cannot support everything, literally. Financially and emotionally I am unable to be an advocate of and make a difference in everything that has ever occured. I don’t want to be told, subtly suggested or even publicly asked to do some futile insignificant gesture as a good enough gesture so I can sit there smugly and say how good I am. I am completely unreasonably incensed that a friend changes their facebook status every few days to some other variant of “People with cancer wish for”, “change your profile picture to a cartoon to support child abuse victims”, “people in this country are starving”.

The world is a big place, and there are a lot of things going on that I don’t agree with, want changed, wish I could fix. But I am actively doing something about this. I’m not naming any of it here, as I don’t share what I do, or how much. But I also don’t think changing your facebook status or putting up a picture of something comes close to counting as making a difference. If you want to support something, then do so. Don’t spend 10 seconds copying and pasting someone elses facebook status and decide you’ve done your part. And for gods sake stop assuming no one else supports anything except you. Australia’s largest charities raised over $1 billion last year. That’s an awful lot of money for you to have donated on your own.

Ok, I think I’m done there. I’ll look forward to either friends or random people to spout off about it. Feel free, email or the comments are below.

My life continues onwards, hopefully upwards. I’m really enjoying work. Except the quiet patches, these segments where I’m not required to do anything for an hour or two and am trying to chase things down. I’ve now signed some paperwork, so am now waiting on a login for their timesheet system and then I hopefully get paid. The universe is likely to think it’s amusing to  put me on some odd pay cycle I have just missed the end of. But in deference to that I have made not so subtle remarks to the powers that be that I am being paid this week, either by them, or by me extracting items of value from their offices. I’ll assume it will be sorted out asap

Workwise itself (the work, not the act of working as discussed above). I am busy this coming week. I have a list of tasks, things for me, just me and a huge project ready to roll. A pile of work for me, my own title and a so far only verbal, but an assurance that they want me for 6 mths minimum, from home at a great pay rate.

So I’ll get something signed, find a home, join a gym and setup a home office.

This brings me to, where do I live? I don’t need to commute so am free as a bird. But I want to build my photography business, and it’d be good to be near Liv. But what if she moves? What if I’m too far away to get to shoots quickly and shoot stuff in the city etc. And I’ve got social to consider. I don’t mean I must consider where my friends are, but one of the bigger steps from working at home is that I need to take up some other interests to meet new people.

A gym is a good start, and I’m looking at some other things too. Lets step through some.

What does the timps wanna do outside of work and Liv:

• Guitar lessons – I’ve been singing along badly and proudly for years, and I even have a guitar now, I’d like to play for Liv, to entertain guests, to impress the ladies and something to do when I start camping again.
• Dance lessons – I’ve always wished I could dance. At a party, a club, a wedding, and when making an entrance. I think this is awesomely badass: Sam Rockwell Dancing and I am in debt for dancing. JC and I discussed it many years ago, and I was really jealous when the blogger started dancing lessons, she sounded like she had a blast (how did she come up again?). And I danced awkwardly in the moonlight on my night with the lady in red. (damn, thats another one, dancing seems to be a big part of my romantic life even without me doing it)
• Rock Climbing – This strikes me as rough to meet people, or at least I’d need a partner to take along with me. Not gonna be the guy awkwardly hoping there’s a free guy to hold the end of my rope.
• Photography group – I’d love to be shooting more, but professional groups have enough shit in their application process to put me off just to escape pretention. And amatuer groups are circle jerks of absolute crap. I know at least one person who is paid consistently to take photos and posts terrible terrible things online, I dont want to be affiliated with these people.
• Theatre group – This could be good. I’ve never had a real dramatic flair, but I think I can act at an amatuer level ok, and I’ve even written my own play! It’s on the list.

I think that’s the jist of what I’ve been considering, the gym(or a tower 200 and a treadmill) is 100% going ahead, the rest I need to fit in. Somewhat dependent on this driving issue being fixed. I keep sabotaging my plans to get it moving. I’m not sure why, I’m nervous about driving again, not scared. I don’t know, I’ll solve it.

And another day, another blog, another episode completed.

Heart shaped box: Seen it.
Steal my Sunshine: Seen it.
Me being happier than ever and considering where to move to and get dance lessons, didnt see it coming.

It’s another day, a new day. There’s been some highs and lows recently. More of one than the other to be honest and I was fighting through it, pushing past. Sitting in the middle of it and facing one day at a time. And then I felt better.

Not better in the all good sense, better in the, higher than I was. Little bit. A little bit more. More things, some days are hard. Some nights are long.

But I have things, the things I want. I have liv with me, photos all around me, her voice on the phone, weekends together. I have my friends, people to share, to give things to, receive things from, to talk to. I have a job and purpose, in fact right now, I have a job working for myself. I’m doing something I enjoy, something I’ve been told I am exceptionally good at, and I’m being paid good money to do it. Well not yet. I’ll be paid well for what I am doing now, but  I haven’t been paid as yet.

I went to the cricket. To the ashes. I spent 4 days in the sun, ON the field, On a boundary watching the ashes and talking to people on Facebook and Twitter. It’s encouraging, and supportive. I’m providing enough benefit and assistance to the business, they pay me to go to the cricket. I’m helping people, and I’ve got enough time free to learn things for me.

I’m working on my own projects again, I’m creating and being constructive. I’m enjoying myself. Working from home is the most incredible thing in the world. I finish work and it’s done. It’s over. Work ended today and I turned the ps3 on to play a game 2 minutes later, Toilet break and I’m relaxing in the lounge room.

I’m in pretty bad shape at the moment, sore legs, sore back, and I don’t even know how much weight I’ve gained. I did some walking/light workout the other day, but there’s such little room to get anything done here, and with sore legs jogging/walking is a tough proposition. I guess I have to just bite the bullet and  stop using junk food to fill in emotional gaps.

I don’t feel lonely anymore, and I’m not sad about past lost loves. I still think of, and I’ve done some deliberate stepping through memory lane. But I’ve been listening to some exciting music and planning some of my own stuff.

I’m really happy for the people in my life, more than I’ve ever been. And I’m actively seeking out the right people, and not the wrong ones.

Dave and Tham are so wonderfully nice. They’re genuine and sharing. They bitch about evryone they encounter in warcraft and get all kinds of fired up from random conversations, but they put me up.  They buy food, they support me, and that’s so much more than some other people in my life do. It’s more than some people have done for me before. People I regarded as closer.

I miss talking to Kirsty when we’re not chatting. I don’t know why we get along, we just hit it as friends, and can play off each others personalities. And be honest, one of those people you can talk to about how things are and not be concerned. About being mad about this, doing that, avoiding this. Having a crush on what princess. Which she gives me shit for endlessly but would always say something positive in front of the princess if she thought it would help.

Like Cam. One of the greatest people I know. Completely honest. Actually completely, not like people say and not. He calls me on bullshit, tells me when things are good and when they’re not. He’s one of the most talented photographers I know and someone I can compete and clash with mentally. We’ve known each other for, well years now. And it shows.  I like the input, sharing stuff. That he can segue in the middle of a conversation as well as I can and then swing back onto topic  3 days later.

I like the people around me.

Clean floor next to my bed finally: Seen it.
WoW Cataclysm collectors box on the other side of the room: Seen it.
Me working with the princess again, didn’t see it coming.

That’s going to be fun, time to push my own projects and work on what I can.

For now. That is all.