Life catches up sometimes.
And sometimes it leaves us behind. I’m tired of trying to get things right, I’m tired of giving myself and my heart to someone not getting what I need back. And everyone is quick to chime in and give me brilliant advice.
I’m tired of being told “it will happen, just wait”. That’s a pile of crap.
There is no magical force driving the universe to a pre determined goal. In order to settle down and share my life with someone, I need to meet someone. As I will not settle down with the first person I meet, I am required to meet multiple people. And as I spend my life performing specific events and few of those involve meeting new people I reach an impasse. I have room in my heart and my life for someone, I don’t have room to go and find someone.
I have a date this weekend, and as nice as she seems. She has children. I’ve gone down the path before and if it doesnt work out that’s a big loss, it’s a tough situation to be in. And of course a relationship isn’t based on considering what happens if it doesn’t work. But without self destructive actions, there’s no actual difference between weighing up the consequences of failure and ignoring it. I’m not more likely to be compatible with someone if I pretend it will all be ok. It’s simply weighing one fact amongst many.
And children is something I need to seriously consider. I have Liv, I talk to her most days, I look at her photos all day, all the time. And apart from the “what if” it doesnt work. What if it does? I am not living here forever, I will return to Liv. 6 months, a year, 18 months. I will go back. How soon do I need to disclose that? It’s not a first date conversation, I can’t hold it in reserve for 3 months. Oh things are going great between us, just FYI I’m probably leaving sometime this year, cool?
A date doesn’t mean a relationship, and it doesn’t mean anything will come of it. But it’s stupid to not consider it. I’m not going on a first date with someone who doesnt have and want kids. I have a daughter, I want to have more kids. Anything else is doomed for failure. So there is a lot I need to consider.
And the moving on, moving past. I don’t know how things work for everyone else. I’ve never quite looked at the world the same way, but I can’t as it’s not the same world. I don’t forget my books, I rewatch movies and notice more things instead of forgetting the ending. I know where all of my stuff is. I know where my photos were taken and what was happening outside the cameras view. And I dont forget relationships, people. I see them all, I see those moments, the good, the bad. My life, my past, most of the 32 years of it is visible. Love and relationships first and foremost. I’ve always been a romantic, always loved spoiling someone. Always tried to show it in large and exciting ways, and now I look back and I’m tired of seeing it. I’m tired of dealing with it over and over again, seeing the mistakes, knowing the things I shouldnt have done, knowing the times I’ve been hurt. The beautiful memories.
I can close my eyes and see things. Tammy’s white dress in the sunlight, Mcbeal in the moonlight on the beach, Gem by the fire, all of these moments just sitting there with me. Dancing with Sarah, I just want to be rid of them.
People move on, they forget, they don’t think about the past anymore. What am I meant to do, what’s my benchmark to know what Is right and what isn’t in here. I hear a song we listened to, the movie we saw together, a book she bought me, a place we went, a photograph, friends we saw together. I can never be rid of the things that bring up my past, and I have no one to discuss it with, no one to compare things with.
Knowing these feelings, this intangible indescribable hurt at being alone, sometimes I’d give anything to go back. To take how I feel in the dark at night and show that to myself. Take me in the past and show me how I will feel and stay in one of my past relationships. The things I miss, the things I seek, that someone to talk and share with, I’ve always had that. Katie, Jacqui, Ally, Gem, Wendy we all shared these things. We spoke, we shared hobbies, we cuddled in the dark, we laughed, we sang, we cooked, took photos, just touched each other in the dark. The things I want have always been there, and so many more wonderful things. But there have been things I didnt want. In some cases things they didnt want, or things they did that werent there.
Alone in the dark, sometimes I think I’ve made terrible mistakes. Sometimes I haven’t, but there’s a chance that something Ive lost is the something I’m still looking for now.
You’re not alone with being badgered senseless by memories; good and bad. I still cringe with embarrassment from things I can remember doing and saying as a child, never mind all the shit I have piled up from my adult years.