Fear is a strange creature. As a child we fear the things we do not understand. What is in the dark, how will this taste.
As we get older some of us deal with a phobia type fear, like a fear of 8 legged monsters. It’s not a fear of anything they will do, a fear response simply generated from their existence.
And then we have fear of the known. Fear of consequences, of reprisal, of rejection, of death.
I woke on a Monday morning with pain in my leg, this was nothing amazing, I’d had a sore leg for weeks. But after forcing my way upright through gritted teeth, this wasn’t the right leg. This was the other leg, and it hurt to touch, not just to walk on.
I took this new development and saw the doctor. His prognosis was a bemused look and asking me to stand. Then he looked closer, he pushed, prodded, twisted. But none of it generated pain, lateral pressure, and physical touch caused an immeasurable pain.
I’ve gritted my teeth with a collapsed eye (and later stitches pulled from the same eye), I’ve held my chin high and dragged my bike home with a wrist broken in 4 places, but this was unbearable, a most excruciating pain I have never felt before.
I was rushed off for scans and tests, some digital machine and a high intensity ultrasound. If there is ever anything I don’t need it’s a physical contact based scan when the weight of a sheet hurts. Tears rolled from my eyes as a seemingly uncaring professional pressed harder and harder into my leg. And as I approached the point of breaking, he stopped. Results were conclusive, there was a substantial blood clot in my leg, more than one.
There was little course of action from where it was positioned but to wait for my body to fix it. I was advised more than once, that I still needed to be very realistic about this, the risk if this clot became loose and entered a deep vein would be enormous. Pulmonary embelism was the least of the consequences. I was on a strict watch for over a week to ensure my lungs remained functional and my heart beating.
A week of stress, fear, pain and anguish. The realisation of mortality is heavy handed. It’s something we ignore, or in my case accept.
I’ve always been accepting of an eventual demise, I am a logical creature of science and understand the sequence of events. But I never expected to deal with the possibility early. It was terrifying and worrying, I was awake when I should be asleep and unfocused when I should be awake.
Due to rest, deliberate stretching and medication to keep my blood moving loosely I have shown a remarkable recovery. Contact pain is all but gone, liquid retention in tissue has reduced, I can bend, move and apply pressure on my leg.
All evidence supports a successful correctionn of this unfortunate event. But I am tired, and need rest. More rest.
So presumably the pressure is gone and I can focus on other things. Liv, getting a new fish. Turning 30 years old.
I obviously haven’t done that one before.
Let’s see if I can pull it off.
At least I know this ring of immortality works.
