Older, Wiser and definitely more published

Well actually I’m just as published as I was earlier, but I am wiser than last we talked.

My birthday has been and gone and I’m a whole year older, 30 drifts closer by the day. Not that I’m concerned, just aware.
Is my career and life moving as quickly as I’d like it. No. But I’ve got decades of my working life to go, and I have come a long way since it started stacking shelves in a service station. I didn’t even know people did what I do.

I’m in the midst of negotiating with my health insurers who sent me a failure to pay and then a “please setup payment” about 5 days later. Apparently the section relating to Salary Sacrificing during the signup process wasn’t sufficient. So I have lodged a dispute and suggested they start the payments again, from scratch with the salary sacrifice in place. I am not backpaying 3 months because they failed to notify me of things. This does not bode well for their organisational skills.

Which is all very relevant as I have the worst toothache on offer. I feel like the side of my head has been attacked by something large and angry.
Bah, I’m going to go lay down and take something to numb this

Poor Timps.

We’re different

We are.
You and I.
This is what I think.
And I think I’m wrong and stupid. I have made wild and erroneous assumptions.

Mart,Shaun,Dave. I’m sorry.
Now don’t get me wrong. These 3 mean the world to me, they have supported, helped, assisted and lifted.
Between them, this is why I am alive. In some cases literally.
Emotionally, financially, intellectually they have been there. They have listened, advised. And in some cases just sat there and smiled and nodded.
They are not without flaws, maniacial behaviour, overly competitive, selfish and internal.
Months ago you will recall my anger, my burning fury at a lack of a visit. The sheer annoyance at how dare someone not be willing to travel to where I travel everyday.
I am still annoyed about this, but I no longer think about it.
Because I stopped being selfish and foolish. I stopped living in the world I was in.
I realised how much support I was using. How much I needed these people to get by.
I stopped the moment I realised.
The moment I got supported and Shaun mentioned how he felt. As a complete aside. He wasn’t concerned about it. He was looking after me.

The people who love and care about us will always be there. They are there for us. They are who they are, not who we want them to be, and not who we accus them of being.

My 3 friends. I will email tonight. They deserve something that no-one else has or sees.

But know that I have told them.
But some others, I can share. Wonderful amazing people who have shown, shared and been through it. Let’s take a walk in no order.

Jukes – I don’t know where we stand. I really don’t. I’m hurt, when things were at their worst we exchanged emails. I told you what you had done to make me angry and hurt. You responded telling me what was wrong with me. I’ve never opened the email again, it was hurtful and horrible. It was all about me, everything about me. I have tried to disregard, I have tried to be friendly and supportive. I have tried to help you succeed at everything you have tried with us together. I tried to pass my skills to you. I continued to try when you said you didn’t need them. I tried to build something for you, as my competition, for no reason and I don’t know. I assume you mean the things you said and I don’t know. We have known each other for a long time and I hope you achieve great things. You are exceptional, you just need to know that your potential isn’t reached and you still need to climb with others.

Grim- I don’t even recall how we met. We spent a lot of time in the same place and eventually clicked. We ended up with more in common than many realise and we both get to be more like us when it’s just us.I am sorry I never got to know you sooner. Amongst everyone else in the world, you are an intellect to be reckoned with and I value and trust your advice and input. It’s been a very very long time we’ve known each other and we’re yet to clash. We are both flawed, but we’re flawed together, and we are ever so slightly askew in this universe.

The girl- We’re not going back over all of this again, I presume you’re doing whatever is it you want to in London now. I hope it all works out. Be calm and patient with people. You are beautiful and intelligent and I am glad to have met you. Just be more understanding when you meet the right guy. He’s going to make mistakes. So are you. Just make them. And always use Monday perspective for everything. How much will this matter on Monday?

D-You’re a good man, in so many ways. You’re honest in the right ways and you work hard. You are under appreciated for the immense amount you contribute, but you do what needs to be done. I am in awe to follow in your foot steps, even though I should be ahead. You discuss, debate and contribute. And you care. You notice the things I need noticed and you never play games. I have always respected your honesty and trust. Sometimes we’re busy, sometimes not. It’s never changed where we stood, and I don’t imagine it will.

Sell me- you are an amazing man. So many of the people in your life have no idea. We all have faults and have done wrong. I understand where you are and I am amazed you are who you are. I have never met anyone before who I honestly thought could understand a life of difficulty and just trying to achieve. You never even mentioned it. Life is just life for you. You are up front, care about those close by and strive to achieve. I was proud to stand beside you as you said your vows and hope we continue as we are. Honest, legitimate and supporting. You always worked with me, never for me.

Hen-Met through a blog. I don’t even know when we went from being in the same place to being there together. But we did and I’m glad for you. We’ve shared, laughed and potentially cried through some of the same things. I admire who you are, and am amazed at the courage you have to break free and to chase what you want. You are who you are, and from the other side of a lens we share something I can never explain to those who don’t live in the same place.

HG-A rollercoaster does not describe our relationship. From giving orders through friendship, passion, anger, frustration it’s been a long long ride and one we’ve brought many people into along the way. I think we’ve come through. And along the way, whatever else, we have been there for those moments. The dark times when no light was present, we could reach into the pitch and find a comforting heartbeat. I love you for who you are. I will never be more pleased with your insanity, but it will never change the reality.

Jc – I am glad you are happy. You deserve to be happy. You two seem really good together and I hope everything works out. You’ve had some rocky roads and some difficult times, I understand more than you know the darkness that sometimes falls across our paths in life. But you have made it through. No matter what happens, you are not my sister, or your sister. You are you, and you can ever be like them. Thank you for looking after my angel.

The world is a complex and dangerous place. Some close to me know the obstacles and hurdles faced.My life changed from an injury and everything I had ever tried and worked for was no longer possible, that took years to overcome, but I did. And I achieve more all the time.
Lately. I have been told to achieve. I have been listening to the people who point my flaws and faults and not enough to the people who believe in me. And there are people.
I thought much of it was mindless support. But it is genuine. I am geuinely offered and wished to succeed.
More is expected of me. I will not fail, let down or deny.
I have begun to perform.
I have climbed before, but never this well.

I will unfold my wings. I will soar.
Come fly with me.

A week…..

Apparently it’s been a week since I posted last.
And it’s been 23 days since I last uploaded a photo on flickr.
I don’t often fail at things. I am intelligent and capable, and I always achieve.

What’s gone wrong then Timps. You love the blog. You love taking photos, but you’ve stopped doing them both.

I have. I’ve been sleeping. Many hours each night, it’s not permanent, but it is until I feel a million times better. I spent a long time not getting any sleep at all and now I’m fairly well rested. I’m at work hours earlier, I’m getting things done faster.

Which brings me to a valid topic.
A job requires you to do Y in 7.5 hours time.
If I can achieve Y in a significantly shorter period of time, am I performing well, or am I expected to do more. What if I was capable of 3x Y.
If I do perform at this level and do YYY I’m now doing 3 times the work of someone else who would be in my role.

The figures are vague, but you can appreciate how this is an issue that requires thought…

But it’s not where we are.
I was discussing passion with a friend the other day. (not the original topic, but we definitely got to it)

And we were discussing songs that led us places. Obvious matches for me came up as “Chasing Cars” and “Moondance” (we all know where that one comes from).

But the passion frenzy?
Untouched. The Veronicas.

Pop Music clashes aside, this song fits the definition of passion in my interpretation. (Remember poetry appreciation in high school…….. it’s back). And interpretation is where we stand. How exciting and passionate is the very concept of being untouched.
It’s not a wish for a touch, it’s not a desire.
It’s an absence. It’s needing to be touched by someone so much that you feel the opposite, you feel untouched without them.
Real passion, real shortness of breath, nails in the back, teeth raking skin, pulling a warm body against you so hard it hurts and still needing them closer to you.
Arched backs, eyes closed, mouth open, you can see it you can feel it.

I got told that was a little heavy handed and she was feeling short of breath. I know I can write.
I was going to audio blog, but decided this context wasn’t a good starting point. I’d be illictly traded as the recording of the month within hours.
Can’t you love me for who I am

So I haven’t forgotten you.
I want to take photos, I want to edit photos for “Sell me for a Dollar” – yes I know I’m a month late. I want to make you laugh, I want to finish my code, I want an iced doughnut, I miss the hen, I miss Liv ever so much.

Goodnight.

Timps