Creeping up slowly…..

Tomorrow is…… well it’s big. Liv starts school.
She’s not at home anymore, her first big step into the world.
Now for a child this is an enormous day, something waited on and worked towards for many. And her teachers are in for an enormous shock. May (whatever you believe in) have mercy upon the teacher who believes Liv is on par with the other kids.

This is also a big day for me and I didn’t expect it. I was there for my ex’s other little one from when she was fairly small and then the first day of school. It was a big moment.
I felt something different when Liv was born, even though I already thought of myself as a dad. And it was maybe because she was my baby. I hadn’t been there before. Nothing could ever change what she means to me though, and I didn’t see it coming. No-one thought I treated the kids like they weren’t my kids.

And now she’s going to school…… I can see my first day of school. I’ve seen the photos and I can recall what went on before them. Not crystal clear television flashbacks, but I know. I was scared. I wanted to stand next to my cousin, so we could go together. I was so excited about that moment and so very scared. I held onto Mums hand and wandered off then back to her, then off again.

And tomorrow morning that’s me. The other side of the hand.

Bribie Island today: Seen it.
Mysterious email: Seen it.
Tomorrow coming so soon: Didn’t see it coming.

Every breath you take…

I knew the song by the police wasn’t all romance and sunshine. It’s about a man stalking his ex wife as far as I know.
But I didn’t realise the P Diddy song based on it was about the Notorious BIG. I can honestly say the lyrics never occured to me as meaning anything at all. It’s a song and so many of them mean nothing. But this one did. How very sad. How tragic to lose a friend.
To have someone so close to you, simply not around.
I lost my grandfather and I talk to him. I’ve never been to his grave. That finality, that point of recognition would hurt so deep inside. So I avoid there. I talk to him.
About my life, about who I am. About the pain inside and the struggles I face.

Charlie, do you believe in the man I have become.

Sorry. I can’t express it any more.

Never Ever…..

I went to bed hours ago, and I’m still awake.
Again.
Seems now wordpress has increased everyone’s storage from 50mb to 3gb. It’s just a marketing figure, people don’t blog 3gb worth. It will cause a pile of people to take stupid advantage of it and upload thousands of photos. Here’s to personal responsibility.

Odd week. Very odd. I had a nights sleep. I’m either not eating dinner or eating horribly bad things. Regression.
It’s tough.

Liv comes in two days, the highlight of the week. I don’t know what we’re doing. More reading and playing. Drawing, photos, if these damned incentive vouchers worked anywhere she’d like we could go shopping.

I’m all good to take a photo a day. I’m loving shooting, and I’m loving sharing other people’s photos and discussion. The only point (and it’s a delicate one) is the line between technical discussion and artistic.

But I know what I like. And so do I. We’re not all the same. I’ve seen it all over flickr and it seemed to be out of the group, but there’s creep. There’s a border and we’re going to get there.
As I’ve suggested and discussed on maxforums before.
“You should make it blue” and “I can imagine this as blue, all cold and chilling” aren’t the same thing. Artistic vision is just as it is.
I found amusement in the requested changes to a photo because it felt a certain way.
It’s meant to be spicy, that’s why I cooked it with pepper.

It’s late, I’m tired. So very very tired. It’s not one day of tired. It’s weeks. I’ll sleep when liv is here. She will calm me from whatever it is stopping me  from sleeping.
In the meantime I’ll just annoy and irritate everyone, and post things on my blog so everyone can get shitty and think it’s them.

Voyager Season 2 finale: Seen it.
Resident Evil Extinction: Seen it.
Mess in my house: Seen it.