Howdy Angel

Where did you hide your wings
Her love shines over my horizon- she’s a slice of heaven
Warm moonlight over my horizon- she’s a slice of heaven

Meeting someone new, falling in love is an exhilirating experience. You can see so many things, know so many things and not others, be completely blindsided and blown away by them.

I’ve spent the weekend with E, in fact I’ve spent the last 6 days with her. We’ve lain side by side, walked through the forest, watched tv, movies, played cut the rope and we’ve talked. Non stop, all night, all day. The details of our lives, how we feel and why. The past, the present. The things that hurt and the things that made our hearts soar. We’ve moved onto our mistakes, difficult conversations. How we really feel and why, what stops us trusting someone, what makes us love someone. And it all seperates my friends and companions into two.

The people who celebrate along with me, and the people who query and look for fault. The people who cheer along with me, tell me they are as happy and excited as I am are my friends. Respect and love for both me and E. Asking things, looking for the reasons I am where I am.

And others who look for fault, throw around arbitrary definitions of speed. Things are moving fast. I know this. So does she.

But when things work ,after all, who’s approaching a relationship hedging their bets on it not? When things work out, the end result is the same. If we’re together we’re together.  How quickly we do it has no impact on how together we are. Sure if it’s not going to work, if it needs maintenance, if it needs a lot of effort to click then we won’t work.  But if it works, if we fit. If we are perfectly right for each other then it won’t matter when we cross a boundary.

We met online and started chatting. Emails flew and we traded them all night, all day. And again all night. We moved to chat, real time. Seeing each other respond, strings of questions and answers became a conversation. A live stream as we exposed who we were and what we wanted to know. Sparks flew everytime, we agreed, were shocked. Picked the same answers. So we spoke, a quick chat on the phone and hung up 5 hours later. We were hooked.

By the time we saw each other face to face our hearts were racing. We stood half a room apart and had a slow conversation until I took a deep breath and said hi properly. Leaned in from too far away and kissed her on the cheek. My arm across her body as she stepped forward to place her arms around me. And we fit, we relaxed and held each other. That first moment, her heart beating against mine felt right. It felt like there was something there.

And a few days later she told me the same thing, unprompted, and not knowing I had already thought it. We’ve been inseparable, both when together and when apart. We’ve sat and played together, we’ve cooked and moved furniture. Been rained on and buried our feet in the grass. Reached for the same thing and kissed in the moonlight.

Life is full of mediocre things, love shouldn’t be one of them.

 

 

I would do anything

Life catches up sometimes.
And sometimes it leaves us behind. I’m tired of trying to get things right, I’m tired of giving myself and my heart to someone not getting what I need back. And everyone is quick to chime in and give me brilliant advice.
I’m tired of being told “it will happen, just wait”. That’s a pile of crap.

There is no magical force driving the universe to a pre determined goal. In order to settle down and share my life with someone, I need to meet someone. As I will not settle down with the first person I meet, I am required to meet multiple people. And as I spend my life performing specific events and few of those involve meeting new people I reach an impasse. I have room in my heart and my life for someone, I don’t have room to go and find someone.

I have a date this weekend, and as nice as she seems. She has children. I’ve gone down the path before and if it doesnt work out that’s a big loss, it’s a tough situation to be in. And of course a relationship isn’t based on considering what happens if it doesn’t work. But without self destructive actions, there’s no actual difference between weighing up the consequences of failure and ignoring it. I’m not more likely to be compatible with someone if I pretend it will all be ok. It’s simply weighing one fact amongst many.

And children is something I need to seriously consider. I have Liv, I talk to her most days, I look at her photos all day, all the time. And apart from the “what if” it doesnt work. What if it does? I am not living here forever, I will return to Liv. 6 months, a year, 18 months. I will go back. How soon do I need to disclose that? It’s not a first date conversation, I can’t hold it in reserve for 3 months. Oh things are going great between us, just FYI I’m probably leaving sometime this year, cool?

A date doesn’t mean a relationship, and it doesn’t mean anything will come of it. But it’s stupid to not consider it. I’m not going on a first date with someone who doesnt have and want kids. I have a daughter, I want to have more kids. Anything else is doomed for failure. So there is a lot I need to consider.

And the moving on, moving past. I don’t know how things work for everyone else. I’ve never quite looked at the world the same way, but I can’t as it’s not the same world. I don’t forget my books, I rewatch movies and notice more things instead of forgetting the ending. I know where all of my stuff is. I know where my photos were taken and what was happening outside the cameras view. And I dont forget relationships, people. I see them all, I see those moments, the good, the bad. My life, my past, most of the 32 years of it is visible. Love and relationships first and foremost. I’ve always been a romantic, always loved spoiling someone. Always tried to show it in large and exciting ways, and now I look back and I’m tired of seeing it. I’m tired of dealing with it over and over again, seeing the mistakes, knowing the things I shouldnt have done, knowing the times I’ve been hurt. The beautiful memories.
I can close my eyes and see things. Tammy’s white dress in the sunlight, Mcbeal in the moonlight on the beach, Gem by the fire, all of these moments just sitting there with me. Dancing with Sarah, I just want to be rid of them.

People move on, they forget, they don’t think about the past anymore. What am I meant to do, what’s my benchmark to know what Is right and what isn’t in here. I hear a song we listened to, the movie we saw together, a book she bought me, a place we went, a photograph, friends we saw together. I can never be rid of the things that bring up my past, and I have no one to discuss it with, no one to compare things with.

Knowing these feelings, this intangible indescribable hurt at being alone, sometimes I’d give anything to go back. To take how I feel in the dark at night and show that to myself. Take me in the past and show me how I will feel and stay in one of my past relationships. The things I miss, the things I seek, that someone to talk and share with, I’ve always had that. Katie, Jacqui, Ally, Gem, Wendy we all shared these things. We spoke, we shared hobbies, we cuddled in the dark, we laughed, we sang, we cooked, took photos, just touched each other in the dark. The things I want have always been there, and so many more wonderful things. But there have been things I didnt want. In some cases things they didnt want, or things they did that werent there.

Alone in the dark, sometimes I think I’ve made terrible mistakes. Sometimes I haven’t, but there’s a chance that something Ive lost is the something I’m still looking for now.

If I lay here…

If I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world.

Why do so many people search for me? Consistently for the last 2 years, the number one search to bring people here is people searching for my blog by name and the blog title… Do I have a computer illiterate fan who uses a google search to find me all the time? It’s fascinating.

I’ve been tired lately. And sad.
I know I’m lonely, I have friends I talk to, but not as much as I would like, and since moving out of AC’s place I’m alone most nights. Which I don’t like.

I’ve looked to meet new people, but it’s not something I have a lot of time for. At work I have no chance, I’m busy all day, most days I work after I get home as well. And I can’t befriend any of the people I work with more than I have. I’m surrounded by people who I need to judge and watch. So that makes a friendship difficult, I already dated one of them (before I got the job), so I don’t need that kind of issue coming up again.

Outside of work, I met a friend of a friend online, we chatted and had a good time. She came around to watch a movie and have dinner, that was fun too, and then the next day someone at work tells me I seriously need to ask her on another date. That was about the time I realised there had been a first date. So that one’s dashed. I don’t want to date a friend of a friend, and I’m personally not interested in pursuing her. We got along fine, but there are too many things that I don’t want in a partner.

Ahh, the things I don’t want. This is where I am right now. All evidence throughout my life suggests I am not particularly good at picking who I do want. The lady in red? The Blogger? The imaginary woman?
They were all extraordinarily poor choices. But women I fell for, for…well I thought different reasons. But there seem to be common traits.
Hair is out. I used to only date women with longer hair, it is very feminine. But I’ve pursued and dated some with much shorter hair, so I I think that was an artificial choice on my part. Thinking I desired something I didn’t really care about. And those 3 were all different in regards to hair. They were all…….. a little more busty than average though. But that hasn’t been a consistent trait either. Granted there have been a lot more busty women than not, but it’s not a specific choice I made at any point. Mcbeal didnt fall into that category and she was incredibly attractive. She also had a remarkable amount of class, always well presented and stunning. The downside to that was the extreme amount of time needed to go out. I’m all for going out to dinner and a movie with a beautiful date. But sometimes I want to just drop what’s going on and go now.

So it leads me to, things I don’t want.

Complaining. Not little things, who cares. It’s constant complaining I cant stand. The inability to see the positive side. Focusing on negative things. It downs my Zen. I hate it. So many women I’ve been involved with did it, how did I miss this for so long with some of them. The Imaginary woman works not 15 feet from my desk and is miserable all day. Everything is a problem. Who wants to live like that? Not me!

Closedmindedness. That’s a hell of a word I can’t stand people who aren’t willing to discuss their point of view. I have opinions on a lot of things. I’m a thinking kind of guy, but I want to discuss them. With the exception of faith, I know why I have the opinions I do. I’m not sitting here waiting for you to tell me what to think, but I am willing to discuss, dispute, point out flaws in your reasoning and hear the flaws in mine. But You have to be willing to discuss it, and talk to people about their point of view. The lady in red wasn’t interested in anyone’s opinions, then again neither was the blogger. She was incredibly close minded. The imaginary women is on a completely different scale. We had a falling out because of an event that did not take place, and when clarifying that with the reasons it didnt happen. She responded with her original point.

No life. People without a life of their own. No career, no hobbies, no friends, no interests. It infuriates me. I have things I do. I have collectibles, I watch movies, I make things out of wood, I’m a photographer, I like to go for walks, I cook, I like to paint. I’ve dated people who had none. You don’t need all of them. If you’re looking after kids fulltime you don’t need a career (you have one). But JC had a million things she was interested in. Some of these women have had nothing.
Or worse (maybe worse?) interests they apparently cant explain or are unwilling to discuss. You want to travel overseas? Great tell me where, tell me why! I want to visit places too. You want to go overseas, but can’t say why, and can’t explain any interest in anywhere? Guess you’re just running away. Don’t come back.

No compliments. Tell me why you like me. Tell your friends you love them. Thank someone at a restaurant for a good meal. I want to hear nice things. I will tell you, why wouldnt you tell me? You can tell me I need a haircut or that Im looking a little soft on the edges, but not when I tone up some more or suit up? GTFO.

So I’ll see if I run into anyone who fits the bill. A long list of checkboxes, and if you cross one, it’s over from there. I’m too old to go through all of it again. I’m sick of heartbreak, I’m sick of giving myself to someone and it doesn’t work out. I’ve met some amazing people, I’ve had some amazing times. I’m just not sure how much the heartbreak is worth compared to them. Maybe I’m in the wrong place to consider it all right now, two bouts of heartbreak so far this year. Maybe that’s enough for awhile…